I thought it was about time that I got back into this. If not for anyone else, but for myself. It’s partly to do with a complete lack of interest, that we all get sometimes with certain things. It’s all to do with not having the motivation as well.
Over the last few months I just lacked interest in most things. It’s a real shame because I’ve haven’t had this much time myself in years. I feel like I pissed away a lot of the down-time I’ve had between travelling and trips, by just sitting around on my arse, watching tv and complaining to anybody that would listen. I am a little annoyed with myself for not utilising it and listening to the nagging feeling in my head that kept on saying ‘read, write, read, write - go to the fucking library for Christ’s sake!’ But it never went down like that. Looking back at it from the vantage point I have now and with perspective on my side I think it happened because I was unhappy. I don’t know exactly why this was happening but part of it is because I let myself get stale. I was, in no way exercising body or mind and I’ve realised that this is what I need to do. If you’re not a complete moron, this is usually the case for most.
The realisation came to me about three weeks ago when I was in Sydney. Over the last few months I’ve been travelling all over the place, and (to be honest) not really enjoying a lot of it. I don’t know precisely why but I was snobbish and lazy about it. I wasn’t totally uninterested in where I was going and what I was doing but I wasn’t writing or recording anything at all (which is usually my thing). I have loads of notebooks in England with musings and thoughts and observations. And from Australia? One page and then I gave up. So, to cut a long story short - I was in Sydney, knowing my money was running out, knowing the summer was nearly over, running out of steam, looking forward to going home, feeling relieved to be going home (to Melbourne) and I was the happiest I’d been in weeks. Why? I don’t know, do you?
I find this realisation quite interesting. I’m not quite sure what it tells me about myself though. What I’m most looking forward to now (and it sounds a bit of a cliché) is getting my life back on track. I don’t mean this in any epiphany-bullshit sort of way; I just mean getting back to some degree of normality. I’ve got myself a pretty standard retail job in Melbourne with Puma to give me something to do and make some numbers in my bank account. I’ve started eating healthy and drinking less booze. I’ve purchased some weights and started doing a proper workout like a used to. I’ve started going to the library and compiling a reading list to really get my teeth into a couple areas of history. Finally, I’ve started writing again - well, some semblance of it. If I don’t get anything concrete down I’m still making sure I put some ideas down, at least. Sometimes it can be the hardest thing to take the pen and paper out of your pocket at that exact second you think of something. Basically, it takes discipline. I used to have it, I taught myself to have it, I lost it and now I’m teaching myself to get it back. This isn’t supposed to be a self-critique or motivational rant - it’s just what’s happening right now.
I swear it's not vanity. I thought it would be a good idea to take a picture of myself before I started working out again, so I could see my progress. I'm going to track it every two weeks to see how I'm going. There was no way I wasn't going to look smug.
This is pretty much my uniform: just a plain red t-shirt with the Puma logo on the front. Not bad.
I've spent about 2 months finally reading all the Bond novels I never got round to. Before I'd read 1-7. This time I read 8-14 and none of them dissapointed.
Reading: Bill Bryson - Down Under (Travels in Australia)
Listening: The Almost, The Dodoz and The Early November
Listening: The Almost, The Dodoz and The Early November
hey mate, I know this state of mind all too well. for quite a while, while I was living in new york city, I was unemployed. new york city is one of the most inspirationally gritty places on the planet. there's a soft sheen of art and love that lays over everything there, if only underneath the layer of smog and in between insane taxis. but I took very little notice. I lost myself in a haze of smoke (I've never been much of a drinker, and my vice of choice has always been to transcend with herbal assistance) and took little opportunity to know that city. museums dot every street corner, and I know only few of them. street performers are found sending easy vibes radiating from subway stations, but I did not idle to listen. my writing became stale. I wallowed in my inability to write everything, when all I really needed to do was write anything. and now, in retrospect, I sometimes feel pangs of regret that I did not take better advantage of where I was and the wonders around me at the time.
ReplyDeletebut I was idle. I had all the time in the world then, and made very little of it. I guess what I discovered is that often, in the face of so much time, it's incredibly difficult to take advantage. now I live in rhode island, where time flows both rapid and languid. and I write because I don't have the time for it. when you lose that idle existence, where time holds little meaning because you are surrounded by it, you understand the role that your art is meant to play in your life. I have a 9-5 job that allows me to provide for my family. on any given night I could be asleep by 10 PM. but now I write more. I create more art. I find reasons to let creativity bubble up to the surface. like the fact that my wife has always wanted a headboard for our bed, so I made her one. I carved it with my own damn hands. I did it in short bursts of time that I could find in between the rest of life. sometimes I long for the days when I had no responsibility and only time to kill, but then I realize that when I had that it was squandered. now I make the most of what I have.
my point is that I commend your new-found motivation. bring it back to basics. the basics are usually the best place to be.
I hope all is well my friend. if you're ever looking to share some writing, feel free to hit me up.